I’ve gotten stuck. One post into my re-imagining myself as metta-librarian: an academic librarian exploring the transpersonal, I find myself unable to press publish on my latest post. The truth is I’m scared. I’m scared people will say oh my god, what right does she have to talk about that stuff, she doesn’t own that, she doesn’t have her act together, she hasn’t been mindful once and really sometimes she is a bit of a bitch!
At least that’s what I tell myself.
So, I gingerly poked my fear with a stick, I turned it upside down to see what was underneath. And of course it was a nasty case of vulnerability! Here I am wanting to explore and share all this beautiful stuff that makes my world a better place but exposing myself to the judgement and opinions of others is so frightening.
So I found and watched this excellent Brene Brown TED talk on vulnerability. I thought, I can see being vulnerable is necessary for me to make meaningful connections with others, but I’m 49 already, I don’t want to do a year of therapy to deal with this stuff… How can I establish a feeling of safety now?
There is no deep and meaningful answer. I used humour: I reminded myself that I have been blogging more than 15 years and my average post gets 8 views and 4 likes. Only one person I know in real life regularly reads this blog and she is my daughter. And the excellent folk who regularly like and comment on my posts have tolerated a variety of ramblings from me without complaint. *Feeling much better now, I continued: Furthermore, if and when I do get an audience of librarian-types, or transpersonal types, I will have posted heaps, got my act totally together and just generally be awesome! That made me laugh too. Ho ho ho!
Even though I still feel a little scared, I hereby give myself permission to press ‘publish.’
*I am not being sarcastic. Introverts reaching out are always a little relieved by an underwhelming response. (According to the results of my self-case study 🙂 )
This awesome photo of a slug being vulnerable and courageous was shared by Joi Ito on Flickr. Thanks Joi!